What does Engineers think about women!

I haven't been blogging for a while.. but this following post seems too good not to post hahaha.

So sit back relax and have a great laugh..

The Stubborn Cat!

A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car......

Farts!!

A fart can be quiet
A fart can be loud
Some leave a powerful
Poisonous cloud.

A fart might not smell
While others are vile
A fart may pass quickly
Or linger awhile.

A fart may be steamy
Or come with a leak
The more you suppress 'em
The more they will "speak."

A fart can occur
In a number of places
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies
To small elevators
A fart will find al of us
Sooner or later.

Not all farts are bad
This is simply not true
We mustn't forget
Dear sweet, old farts like you!

Job Interview

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give the fishos a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains

were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that public phone had been vandalized?"

"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

"This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!"

Sex!!

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?

" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Mum Breaking plates

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!

Father: How do you know?

Daughter: She didn't say anything.

Laws of the Natural Universe!

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Things to say if caught sleeping at work!

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

3. "I was working smarter-not harder."

4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."

5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."

8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."

15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

17. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

20. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."

21. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day

Great Reasons To Be A Guy

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000.

Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Something Interesting!!

A man called Ah beng owns a farm which can produce 10 apples every day.

He has 5 workers to operate the farm.

Each of them eats 1 apple daily and it is enough to keep them operating the farm normally.

The remaining 4 apples, the landlord sells them at RM10 each and he earns RM40.

He uses the RM25 to improve the farm operation and facilities.

He gives RM2.00 to each of his workers and he keeps the remaining RM5.00 as profit.

Day by day, the farm is well developed and all of the 5 workers are happy with the money they can save.

When Ah beng passed away and there is a new landlord, Ahmad comes to continue the farm operation.

He says to the workers:

" We need to improve the farm quality and redefine our way of thinking. From now on all of you only need to pay RM1.00 for each apple you eat. It is very cheap as the price is RM10 each outside the farm."

The workers have no choice but to pay RM1.00 for the apple they eat daily. Their earning decrease from RM2.00 to M1.00 per person. As usual, Ahmad sells the 4 apples and he gets RM40. He uses RM25 for farm improvement and pays RM10 to his 5 workers. He gets RM5.00 as profit. On top of that, he gets another RM5.00 from the apples that he sells to his workers. In total, he gets RM10 as profit every day.

Soon, the apple price increases to RM20 each. The new landlord gets a higher profit as he gets RM80 for the 4 apples he sells daily. Then, he decides to give the farming improvement contract to one of his close friend, Sam.

Sam says:"Apple cost naik, improvement cost also misti naik."So, the farm improvement cost increases from RM25 to RM50. In actual fact, the improvement only cost RM30. The remaining RM20, Ahmad and Sam share evenly among themselves.

Let's calculate how much Ahmad gets daily:

RM10 (from farm improvement cost)
RM20 (Net profit by selling 4 apples:
[Gross profit, RM80] - [Improvementcost, RM50] - [Wages RM10] = RM20)
RM5 (from selling apples to his workers)

In total, Ahmad gets RM35 daily compare to RM10 initially when he takes overthe farm from Ah beng.

His profit increases RM25 and the workers are still getting RM1.00 daily perperson.

The greedy Ahmad does not want to stop there.

One day, he says to his fellow workers:" You see ah, the current market price for one apple is RM20 and you are only paying RM1. See how lucky you are! I have to SUBSIDY RM19.00 for each of the apple you buy and total I need to SUBSIDY RM95.00.

This will greatly burden the farm and we might get bankrupt if we continue like this.In order to avoid bankruptcy, I need to increase the apple price that you buy from RM1.00 to RM1.50 and I will bear the remaining RM18.50 per apple as my subsidy to you all.

"So, greedy Ahmad adds RM2.50 to his current profit and the number becomes RM37.50.

After you have read the story, I am sure you have already understood the meaning/concept of "SUBSIDY" given by the "U-no-hu"

The RM95 subsidy never existed in the first place and so was the RM52 billion fuel subsidy generously "given" by the "U-no-hu".

Cutting fuel subsidy is actually just a reason to steal money from your pocket.

THE THEORY OF REVERSE DYNAMICS

When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty.

When a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich.

Italian Advice

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.

Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. "Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, Times Up ??"

Difference Between you and your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't get something done, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't get something done, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When you do it your own way, you don't do what your told.

When your boss does it, he's showing creativity.

When you do it on your own, you're overstepping your bounds.

When your boss does it, he's demonstrating initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss takes a stand, he's being firm.

When you violate a rule, you're self-centered.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you help a peer, you're not busy enough.

When your boss does it, he's a team player.

When someone else does your work, you're passing the buck.

When someone else does his work, he's assigning responsibility.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your bosses out of the office, he's on business.

When you call in sick, you're going golfing.

When your boss calls in sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

When you're seen shopping during work hours, you're a slacker.

When your boss is doing the same, he's picking up office supplies.

When you get a raise, you're lucky.

When he gets one, he really earned it.

When you do a good job, you get a pat on the back.

When he does a good job, he gets a bonus.

Confusing English??

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Hollandcalled Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to maketerrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars haveparking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Humans ???

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

Laughing at Pregnant Woman

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'

Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop rubbers would have prevented this accident.'"He won the case.

Jamaican Interview

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.

" The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred." "So, when I start?"

Acronym

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI: System Can't See It

DOS: Defective Operating System

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW: World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

Divorce??

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME!?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

The hunter

Johnny went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like smart kids.
The game warden ordered Johnny to show his hunting license, and Johnny pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?"

Then Johnny reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"

Johnny reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't Manitoba duck. This duck is from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?"

Again the kid reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Johnny "Just where the hell are you from?"

Johnny smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,

"You tell me, you're the expert..."

Smart Boy named Timmy

There was a little boy named Timmy who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Timmy's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Timmy his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Timmy would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Timmy grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Timmy, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Timmy turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"